starting life over again.

so, i reached here, started afresh, left everything behind.. blah blah!

there are anxieties, questions and things that are inexplicably intangible. I have left so many things behind, wonder whether its ever going to be the same or not! 

The term "starting afresh" is really misleading. I mean, dont we all start afresh every morning, every moment. How come it does not have the same impact such as this? Every day is the first day of the rest of your life, right? then how come we write these sexy, calling-for-attention journals and diaries (yea, even blogs), about resolutions, about how our new life will be like...? Why is it, that we get intimidated by the aspect of starting life all over again. I know, to some sane people, there is nothing better than that. There are people in i know (misleading term again..), who would kill, murder, gain weight & get plastic surgery to be in my shoes (hell, not becoz im leaving for so-called greener pasteurs, but because i have this wonderful oppertunity to START LIFE OVER)!

Maybe its got to do with the fact that we dont like change. Maybe its got to do with the fact that we get so happy with now, that we dont change.. 

I loved my life in India.. I had teh best of friends, a loving mom who let me sleep in till 10, a dad who was my atm, a guy i called my boyfriend, who was a nice loving soul, frugal, belliegeren, unpredictable, yes, but i loved him anyway! (haha, Im making it sound so nasty!) Its like this cartoon i saw in USA today, about the Obama campaign. They showed 2 people on an oceanliner, saying "we really should not vote for change, should we?!" I can somewhat empathize, the difference is.. I cant help it. I do have a choice, and  if one day, Im loaded with lab work as well as a test I need to prepare for, the day when i have to get up at 6 am with no sun to greet me, or the day i get a BIG BIG BIIIIIG pang of homesickness, I'll just look back at that picture perfect life and say.. "those were the days!"

Restarting..

why is it so important to be answerable?

Thats one question that bugs me bigtime! Not that you are obligated to answer this question! The deal with life is, when you start thinking how cool it is, it become so umm.. uncool (this sentence was bound to be skewed, what else do you expect if you pick a generic adjective like "cool"). I mean, when you exist as a secure & love filled person, with dreams & aspirations & cottony-cloudy dreams, you fall on a hard, rash ground & realize... well, that not the life you ordered! But still, you end up struggling with the "life" thats on your plate, try your best to finish it, & doggy pack the rest. Hoping you will finish it tomorrow,or take it for lunch. Thats the deal with memories. Specially the bad ones. You tend to think, okie, its ad, so what, someday, I'll look back at it & say.. so that how it was. You feel you will be proud & happy, coz you.. "SURVIVED" it. You tell yourself, you will learn from your mistakes.. but that never happens, and I wonder why. 

updates!!

OHKAY.. so what does a person do to prepare for something that's just round the corner... very good.. right answer, They lose weight!

Hmmm.. So thats the first step to my preparation for going to the US, Lose the extra pounds (damn, Im still in India, Its supposed to be kilos!).
The day my exams ended, I went to check myself out in the mirror (yea rite.. It was about 2 months since I saw the stranger in the mirror). So.. well.. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!! who's that Fat Ass, Fat Tummy, Fat Waist.. oops, that was not my waist, That was my THIGH!!! & the worst part is that I have 2 of those!!!! They looked like i had six!!! sob sob.. maaa.. I wanna die! (gory thought.. but a fat body like that would have atleast 50 litres of blood, Im pretty sure ma must've gotten intimidated by the thought of so much cleanup, so death was definitely ruled out!) To the gym.. we screamed in unison!
Gulabo & Mummy gulabo headed to the gym.. the nearest one being at least a kilometer & a half from our abode.. (now how much is that in miles??!!). There was this really cute gym instructor, who asked to to stand on the scales (that must be the worst 1st impression ever!!).. hmmm.. 82 kilos (WHAAAAAT???). Lady, you are 2 kilos overweight.. (just say bordering obese.. I think I can handle it!), It was like some stupid ekta kapoor soap... I felt as if every line was repeating itself 4 times with a jarring background score. So.. well.. lady, I am a naturopath, I am gonna ensure that you lose those kilos, those 10 damn kilos without any medicines, or drugs, or liposuction (THAT.. was worse than anything else he said.. no liposuction.. why dont u just kill me.. ooh yea, lots of blood, forgot that!). So just loosen those purse strings & shed out 4,000 a month & well help you be normal again... haan mamma, paise niklna.. (umm think that goes without sayoing that mum was pretty wide eyed!) 4,000... I'd rather starve her.. But there is one histrionic skill that i have mastered in the past 3 years of drama practice.. PUPPY EYES.
now I had to start the next day.."MISSION GET FIT" commeneced on the 2nd of June...
watch this space!

helloz...

chalo bhaai... Last frontier..

Got my tickets to fly away, & will leave in July to start life afresh.. matbal, Gulabo pe rose water chidka jaa raha hai, so that she can smell different!!!

AAj ka progress.. well it included calling my relatives up at kolkata to tell them that their "little girl" has grown up... and also to tell them that I'm leaving for the USA (2 unrelated events!!)... Was feeling a little scared & apprehensive. My birthday falls on the 20th of August (which also happens to be world mosquito day... 2 unrelated events again!!) & this would be my first birthday in 20 years (I'll be 21 btw.. meri twacha se mere umr ka pata nahi chalta!) that I'll spend without my parents. It was strange when ma was saying.. "We'll call you on the 20th & say.. happy birthday nanai (mera nickname)!" Well, Its really tough to let go.. especially when the person your letting go off means the world to you.. Was feeling so concerned.. They need help to recharge their phones, or to recharge the satellite TV connections as well, not to mention the washing machine, or the microwave (mum's way of fixing stuff is to slap it on its head.. I mean, its not like its me ma!!!). And its not just that.. man, I need her so bad.. I need her to wake me up at 11 am everyday, tell me what to wear, tell me to lose weight, save me from pa's wrath, cook maach-bhaath & when its too fattening, tell me that its OK! I need her to tell me before every exam that its OK.. Its not like you are gonna top!! Its the sweetest thing ya know.. when she introduces levity, She teaches me that things seem to take care of themselves! How things would be so, so, so, so, soooooo meaningless without her.. the fights, the way me & ma brawled (well by the description, it most certainly doesn't seem like a regular ma-dot relation, Its a lot better!)

Leaving them would be one of the most difficult things. Couple with the sadness is the uncertainty.. how things would be .. I mean its the first time I'd be doing research, How the things are gonna be like..??? Will I fit in? Will I make new friends? Will I manage or succumb? Will I find true love!!! okay the last question was dumb! But then, they say the only thing in the world that's permanent is change... profound, but pretty true (contrary to all profound things in the world!) . So well, I'll let go, enjoy the moment & move on maybe.... maybe!

life is beckoning...

Hmmm... So this is my first step at blogging... (Shree Ganesh!). Let me not digress like ignorant nincompoops, or rant about how my life is 'less-than-perfect'. How Im embroiled in the convuluted world of studies, how my love life exists(????) but has never made me feel special,safe, secure, or happy in general... how m parents nag, or how im just pissed at global warming... NO BABY. thats about all of us! There has to be something special, something that makes my life different from yours!
Hey.. but isnt that food for thought? How we feel that the problems we face are so bloody exclusive.. but they have potentially the same nature, as in.. what you faced is what I faced at some point of my life?! Okay... Thats not the poiint of this blog either... Let me talk about myself for being the narcissist I am...

Hello people. Im Gulabo Chamanbahar (lets just call me that..). I Studied in DU (now waiting for my exams to finish & my results to come) so that I can spread my wings & fly away.. No dude, Im not a mutant from X-Men, Just a regular oversized person, who's leaving on a jet plane in a couple of months from now to "study-abroad". Theres too much history, but wont reveal it just now..
At this point, I'm not really bothered by what happened in the past.. just waiting.. because life, my friend, is beckoning... watch this space!